gusto ko lang mapag-isa!! di mo ba gets yun?? ganun ka ba KATANGA na hindi mo makuha ang simpleng “sorry, I’m not in the mood to talk.” tatanungin mo pa ko kung bakit, anong nangyari, E AYAW KO NANG MAKIPAGUSAP, LALO NA SA’YO.
lubayan mo ko please!!! ayoko na neto. mas gusto ko pang ako na lang mag-isa, in my own damn world. Okay lang na malungkot minsan, okay lang na walang makausap, BASTA HINDI IKAW.
I’m known to have the weirdest dreams in the family. I think my subconscious is just naturally active.
Last night, I dreamt about a guy who I know but I won’t reveal his identity for reasons that he might come across my blog or is probably aware of it right now and reading this. So let’s name him Dave.
So in reality, Dave and I have been friends for a long time and we haven’t seen each other for a long time either. In my dream it was my 18th birthday again and I had a party in a private island somewhere in Palawan. Yes, in my dream I’m rich.
Dave came, along with several other friends and of course my ginormous family comprising of 20+ aunts, uncles, and cousins. We stayed at this beautiful house that I can only afford in my dreams.
I can’t remember most of it now but it was a looong dream. What I do remember is Dave admitting that he likes me, you know like like me, as in romantically likes me. In reality, Dave is only like a brother to me, so in my dream I kind of friendzoned him. But the persistent idiot told my father that he would like me to be his girlfriend.
Cue the awesomeness of my dream. In the traditional Philippines, when a guy wants to court a girl, he must ask the permission of her parents and the parents would normally make the guy suffer, like make him do chores and hardwork and stuff. This is to test the guy if he really is sure he wants to be the boyfriend of the girl.
That was what happened in my dream. My father made Dave do carpentry work. My father’s a civil engineer and he has brothers who are electric engineers and architects. Naturally, building a house, or in this case repairing the shack by the beach, was like a piece of cake to them and also to my male cousins, who grew up doing things for my dad and my uncles. Dave on the other hand, was more of the laidback intellectual type. He probably never handled a hammer in his lifetime.
So there I was, watching them repair the shack, and what was Dave doing? Smashing shells. Yep. He was using the hammer to smash shells so he could decorate the shack. Oh and he was also stringing beads.
My dad was furious. He came inside the house and said to me “I can’t do this. Look at him! He’s holding beads! I can’t do this. Just tell him you don’t love him.” and I said. “Sa tingin mo, Pa, di ko pa sinasabi sa kanya yun?? Siya lang naman tong mapilit.” Then he said. “Wag ka na kasing maging polite. Paminsan minsan maging bastos ka.”
My dad was telling me to be rude. Really?? So I became rude.
"Bastos? Okay! Bastusan lang pala e. Hoy! Dave! Halika ka nga rito!"
He came smiling like an idiot. All the members of my family were there, watching what was about to unfold.
"Ikaw, kaibigan kita ha. Kaibigan. Hanggang dun lang. Wala nang next. Period. End of story. Kaya tigilan mo na yan at sumakay ka na sa plane papuntang Manila."
He stood there dumbstruck and I turned back to the house. But he grabbed me turned me around and kiss—-
Nope! haha! He tried. Twice. But I turned my head. Hello??? Bat naman ako papahalik sa mokong na yun?
Then I told him. “Leave. Please.”
And I woke up.
I looked up the ceiling and thought, I think there is a big possibility that would happen in real life, knowing Dave and knowing my father…..
Yep. Just let it come. Don’t force yourself into people’s lives. Just introduce yourself, show the true and real you, and just hope for the best that people can accept and learn to love that. Ask anyone. True friendship comes unexpectedly and naturally. Things just fall into place. Those little coincidences like loving the same movie or having the same habit? That’s evidence that people who fit into your life come in unannounced.
This is what I realized today. I was recently having trouble with a person in my life, a classmate. Trouble in a sense that I can’t seem to accept her as a friend. Why? Because lately, she hasn’t been showing true signs of friendship. Example: she talks over me. People, do NOT let anyone talk over you and do NOT talk over anyone. It’s just plain rude. It’s like verbally yet discreetly saying that what the other person says does not matter. Anyway, this girl constantly does this, paired with overconfidence and bragging. I’ve known this person for over three months now and because we have three classes together, there’s this certain rule hanging over our heads that we should be friends.
Then came a girl who I got introduced to by another friend. I had a one-hour break and saw her sitting in the lobby. I said to myself, what the heck, I’ll sit by her, this person I haven’t said a word to even though we had summer class together that felt like ages ago, and probably talk about our common friend or just sit in silence. We ended up conversing for the whole hour, talking about the littlest things to the major heartaches of life. I opened up my past to her and she opened her past to me, and there were no judgments. We listened to each other, letting each other finish and even finishing each others sentences. We felt happy for each other and sad for each other. See? That happened in a split second, all because I sat down and said hello. Today, we talked about skeletons in our closets and teenage crushes. I’ve never felt this free and happy and comfortable in the longest time.
Forced friendships and relationships never work out and honestly speaking, should never work out. We should never try to fit in into someone’s life just because we’re lonely. We should never settle for someone who is there just because of certain circumstances. We should consider what a person brings into our life and what we can bring into theirs. There should be a mutual understanding between the two of you. That, my friends, is friendship.
ako na talaga ang selosa. bwisit lang. naiirita ako sa sarili ko. yung ayoko nang maramdaman yung feeling pero andyan e, andyan pa rin. tapos leche lang kasi talaga. in public pa kasi e. wag niyo na lang kasi ipakita sa akin para di ko to nararamdaman.
If you want to move on from a break-up, you have to make the conscious decision to do so. May mga taong pilit sinasabing ‘kailangan ko na siyang kalimutan. hindi na pwede to!’ OO! Hindi na talaga pwede! Kaya tigilan mo na ang kakatingin sa Facebook niya pagkatapos mo siyang i-unfriend. Tantanan mo na ang kakatanong sa mga kaibigan niya tungkol sa kanya kung may bago na siya. Wag mo nang gambalain ang mga kaibigan mo, mga pinsan mo, mga magulang mo, ang mga guard sa gate ng school niyo, sa pagkukwento ng kung gaano kayo kasaya noon at kung gaano siya kasweet at kaperfect. Kung perfect siya, e di sana kayo pa ngayon.
Kaya ang una, DON’T REMINISCE. Kasi kung parati mong iisipin lahat ng magagandang bagay na pinagdaanan niyo, most likely, iisipin mo rin lahat ng magagandang bagay na pwede niyo pang pagdaanan. Kung desedido ka talagang maka-moveon, isipin lahat ng paggagago at pangwawalanghiya niya. Isipin mo lahat ng negative, kung yun ang makakatulong para kalimutan mo siya.
Pangalawa, DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX RIGHT AWAY. Siraulo lang ang magsasabing “let’s just be friends okay?” HELLO?? You want to make friends with the one who frickin broke your heart? Pano yun? “ui! hello! kumusta ka na? naalala mo yung time na nakipaghiwalay ka sa kin?” Do you know how wrong that sounds? Besides, ang gusto lang makipagkaibigan sa mga ex nila ay ang mga nakahawak pa rin sa posibilidad na magiging sila ulit. It’s just a lame excuse to bring back what has been. So respect yourself and DISTANCE yourself. Okay, pwede kayong maging friends after time, like 2-3 years, or basta AFTER you have completely gotten over the relationship and him. Kaya nga move on di ba?
And last but not the least, BE HAPPY. Ipakita mo na this is what you need, and not the toxic relationship you once had. Go out with friends, spend time with your family, spend time with yourself. Oo masaya magkaroon ng boyfriend/girlfriend pero nothing still beats the feeling of beinig single. Wag kang magmadali to get back in the game. Hindi ito contest na padamihan ng karelasyon. Remember, time is an excellent healer.
Again, all of this is my opinion. Honestly speaking, never pa akong nagkaboyfriend and all of this is from observations of my friends who went through breakups. Tska, logical solutions ko lang ‘to. :)
Intuition (n.) - The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.
May mga bagay sa mundo na hindi talaga maintindihan, at lalo na, maiksplika. Tulad nang bakit aso ang tawag sa aso at puno ang tawag sa puno. Bakit gusto mo nang asul at ayaw mo nang pula. Simple, pero mahirap ipaintindi ng lubos.
Dahil sa dami ng kababalaghan at misteryo ng buhay, natural sa atin bilang mga tao na hanapin ang katototohanan na makakapagbibigay linaw sa mga ito. Bilang rasyonal, gusto natin ng eksplenasyon sa halos lahat ng bagay, dahil parang nagbibigay ito ng kapayapaan sa mga isip natin na wala nang ginawa kung hindi magtanong at magisip ng mga rason.
At marahil isa sa mga ito, na nakikita at nararamdaman natin kahit saan at mula kahit kanino, ay ang pag-ibig.
Ito ang kanina pa na umiikot sa isip ni Elmo. Ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? Paano mo nga ba malalaman kung nararamdaman mo na ito? May mga senyas ba o palatandaan na nagpapahiwatig na ‘oo! siya! siya na nga! ito na yun!’?
Patuloy sa pagtakbo ang mga salitang ito habang nakatitig siya sa isang dalaga sa di kalayuan. Ingat na hindi mapansin, pasimpleng tumitingin ito ngunit sa ngayon, parang hindi na mapigilan ang pagtitig niya. Isa pang kailangan niyang isipin: bakit nangyayari to?
Siya na nga ba? Baka naman dahil siya lang ang kasama niya sa araw-araw - sa taping, rehearsals, promotions, production numbers, press conferences. Baka rin dahil nabansagan na sila na loveteam at alam na at inaasahan na ito ng publiko kaya niya lang nararamdaman ‘to. Kumbaga, nadadala lang sa agos ng ilog kung saan sila inilagay na dalawa, na walang kamalay kamalay na makakaapekto pala ito sa totoong nararamdaman niya.
Ano na nga ba ang totoo sa hindi? Totoo ba ang mga hawak-kamay, mga haplos sa pisngi, mga yakap na mahigpit, at mga halik na sinasabi ng isang piraso ng papel? Kung iisipin, oo, totoo nga naman ang mga ‘to dahil nagagawa naman niya. Ngunit ano ang dahilan kung bakit niya nagagawa? Dahil ba gusto niya o dahil inuutos lang sa kanya? Alin na sa dalawa ang nangyayari?
Naudlot ang mga rumaragasang salita sa utak niya nang napalingon ang dalaga sa direksyon niya. Ngumiti ito.
At dahil sa isang simpleng ngiti, nalaman ni Elmo ang sagot.
May mga bagay na natural lang dumadating. Umuulan. Sumisikat ang araw. Umaagos ang tubig. Umiikot ang mundo. Humihinga tayo. Wala nang malalim na dahilan na kailangang malaman o aralin, maliban sa nangyayari ito dahil buhay tayo, at buhay ang mundo.
Hindi mo na kailangang mageksperimento o intindihin ang proseso. May mga bagay lang talaga na sadyang nangyayari na nakikita natin at nararamdaman. Ngunit, dahil mabilis maganap ang mga ito, ibig ba sabihin hindi na totoo?
Rasyonal ang mga tao. Mahilig umintindi ng mga proseso at paraan. Ngunit, minsan sa buhay, hindi puro proseso at siyensiya ang ginagamit. May mga bagay lang talaga na sadyang alam na natin. Paano mabuhay, paano maging masaya, paano magmahal.
Intuition. Pakiramdam. Lahat tayo may ganito. Mga bugso ng damdamin na para sa atin ay totoo, at kahit sino man ang kumontra, alam natin na totoo ito dahil natural itong lumalabas. Galing sa atin kaya walang iba na makakapagsabing mali ito dahil hindi naman sila ang nakaramdam.
At para kay Elmo, naramdaman niya na mahal niya ang isang dalagang si Julie.
***A/N: something na kanina pa namumuo sa utak ko. di ko naman siya matugma sa LD kaya ginawang one-shot na lang.
Finally, I get to sleep whenever I want. Go wherever I want. Be with whoever I want. Do whatever I want. No questions. No awkward talks. No prying eyes and ears. No controlling words. Just me and my own world, however I create it.
Yet, I long for the things I will never have. The caring hug of a mother when I experience my first heartbreak. The strong hold of a father on my shoulder when I make him proud of getting my first job. The asking of how-are-you’s and have-you-eaten-yet’s. The bugging of voices telling me to clean my room, do my homework, wash the dishes, and stop picking at my sister.
Freedom. Do whatever you want. But I can’t do what I want, because no one’s there; because what I want is to come home and see their faces. I want to hug them and tell them I love them. I want to argue with them and get reprimanded. I want them to tell me I’m wrong so I’ll learn not to do the same mistake. I desperately want to hear their voices, their dreams for me, their expectations; to tell me that everything will be alright in spite of my mistakes and misgivings.
Because for an orphan, being free from her parents is never freedom.
I miss my mom. It’s been 6 years. I miss my dad, because I see him less and less. I might as well be called an orphan.