You are not a part of my past, at least not in the most obvious ways. The basis of our knowledge of each other are secondhand accounts from common friends, little stories that even we are never really sure of if they are true or not. We said hi to each other only in the company of other people and mostly because of necessity rather than courtesy or even politeness. And yet, when I talk to you, much of my past, the past I try so hard to keep hidden, come blaring at me through similar words and emotions that you convey.
I want you to be a new start for me. A turnover. A rebirth. But it is so hard because when I see you, I see the past that I want to leave. I see the chances that I took and the failures that followed. I see the possibility of happiness and inevitability of despair. I see love but I also see a heart still mending.
I want to ask you to wait, because you came at a time when I just broke into pieces. There are still bits on the floor and the mess is still visible. I need to take time, because I want to do this right. But I know I should not ask so much of you, knowing that that request is what got me into trouble in the past.
And so I just wish that you will understand my withdrawal - why I just smile at your compliments, why I don’t stand too close to you, or why I try not to care too much.
I cannot guarantee that this will turn into something better, something more tangible, and real, and concrete. All I can offer you is a possibility, a maybe in an infinite sea of ‘yes’es and ‘no’s. I hope that for now, maybe is enough for you to stay.
Ang hirap maging yung babae na pinagseselosan ng ibang babae pero hindi ang babaeng pinaglalaban ng mga lalaki.
Umiinom siya. Ibig sabihin alcoholic siya.
Leader siya ng group. Sa kanya na lang natin ipagawa lahat.
Bata pa siya. Wala pa siyang alam.
Mahal niya ko. Pwede ko siya balikan anytime.
Nung hindi ako nagsasalita, nag-aalala kayo.
Ngayon nilalabas ko lahat, jinujudge niyo ko.
Darating ang araw, magiging manhid ka na lang. Wala nang thrill. Wala nang sakit. Tatawa ka pa rin naman sa mga jokes nila. Makikiride sa mga banat nila. Magrereciprocate kahit paano, pero hindi ka na aasa tulad ng dati dahil natuto ka na.
Magpapatuloy yan, siguro ilang buwan o kaya taon, hanggang sa makilala mo siya, at ipaparamdam niya ulit ang lahat. Matatakot ka kasi hindi ka na sanay. Mag-aalangan ka. Baka nga umiwas ka.
Pero siya, siya na magpapatunay na hindi lahat ng tao ay pare-pareho, siya na magpapatunay na mayroon nga talagang ‘true love’, at siya na magbibigay sa’yo noon, gustuhin mo man o hindi; siya ang magpapaalala sa’yo na hindi lahat ng emosyon ay masama o masakit, kaya okay lang na makaramdam ulit.
I have so many so I’m going to make a list.
Masaya… pero matatapos rin.
When talking about you to my friends, I sometimes confuse myself.