I found myself standing in the chilly wind and August rain, my eyes staring into the pinpricks of city lights that dot the mountainside. My phone is still warm from my tight grip just moments ago. I glanced at the time and forced myself to finally get some rest.
Most of the time, it is the hardest word to say, even harder to hear, but tonight it rolled off my tongue so easily. Tonight, I felt elated, like the wind can blow me away any moment. I felt - there is no other word for it - free.
Five years. Five whole years of keeping the secret. Five whole years of hiding myself, of feeling afraid and lost. Tonight, those five years ended. Our conversation ended at goodbye but it is good to know that our friendship didn’t. Midnight signaled a new chapter for me, a chapter I was afraid would not contain you, but I’m happy it still will.
I will be forever grateful for having met a person like you. As you said, friendship is a relationship no lesser than any other relationship, and I am now believing that truth because of you. Thank you for showing me what a real friend is and for teaching me how to be one.
It took me forever to reach this moment and I’m glad I finally got here. It is done and over with, but another challenge has been set before me.
So, I pray that courage will not leave me for now, because there is still a lot of work to do.
Or maybe it was her overall concern for her son. I just know she reminds me of her and makes me long for the same kind of affection I was not fortunate enough to receive.
He was a lanky kid with short hair, fashionably hip clothes, and possessing an air of youth mixed with faux confidence. She was short, her hair in a bun and her big shoulder bag carefully tucked under her arm. Her hands were fidgeting with her son’s student ID and a photocopy. They sat beside me as we waited in the temperature-controlled, overly-sanitary environment of the bank.
I can hear her soft but reprimanding tone as she reminded him of the essentials. He needed to heat his bath water every time. Cold water in the morning may lead to pneumonia. He had to eat three times a day no matter what happens. She doesn’t care of it’s rice or bread. The cleaning materials are in the cabinet under the sink. Sheets are to be changed at least once a month. She will try to send more money for laundry if the rains come too often.
I wanted to hear more of their conversation, or rather the woman’s ongoing lecture but my number was called and I had to go into the booth and act like a grown-up.
As I was walking home later that afternoon, a home for me for only a little under a week now, I could not help but think that I would hear the same words from my mother if she was still here. She would have tut-tutted at the place I chose and forced me somewhere where there is a hot-and-cold shower and 24-hour security. She would have scrubbed my walls better than I did and reminded me to mop every week. She would have called me every night and morning, reminding me to eat my breakfast and be kind to my flatmates. She would have been with me at that same bank, on the same couch, probably engaging in a conversation with that woman who so much embodied motherhood as she did.
For the first time in my life, I’m living alone in a room I chose, cleaned, and fixed myself. I have craved independence for so long and I am happy that I have it now. Nothing beats the feeling of discovering and doing things by yourself. Still, having a mother or a parent to guide you through it, even in your adult days, is a privilege to anyone.
There’s the packing and making sure nothing friggin breaks. Then the loading in the car and the unpacking and the fixing the stuff in the room and hanging and folding clothes and arranging shoes and everything….
And then there’s the feeling of not wanting to leave your old place, that you’re going to miss that window in the attic or the new balcony.. But at the same time it’s exciting because you’re going to have your own place and your own bed and your own closet (OMG)
Ugh so many feels right now I’m not even expressing everything coherently
"Bumaba ka na nga. Ayokong marinig yang mga complain mo."
FINE. Di na ko magco’complain’
I’ll just shut up and go throw up some more until I’m basically inside out. Maybe I’ll pass out. Maybe I’ll be taken to the ER. Maybe, if I’m lucky enough, I’ll die already so that I won’t feel pain anymore. And don’t come fucking crying when I’m dead. Fuck you.
And yes, maybe I am being dramatic. At least I’m not a heartless bitch like you.
I’m super mega uber touched dahil every time na nakakakuha ka ng chance na makanet e chinachat mo ko, kahit hi lang.
Pero LOKO, kapag ikaw nahuli at na-infraction diyan, humanda ka. Lagot ka sa kin, hindi sa kanila. Matatanggal ka na nga sa PMA, mabubugbog ka pa sa kin, tandaan mo.
Other than that, ingat lagi. Good luck sa recognition mo :)
It rained all day today and with the mopey weather, it was impossible for me not to reflect on things in my life.
I’m taking a course in Communications now but prior to this I had the chance to take up something in the medical field, a chance people never fail to say that I wasted.